Aug. 31, 2004
blackness
[ General ] - grace - grace@ graceuncensored.com
@ 9:49 pm
That's where I'm at right now. Not a good weekend. And how is it that I have a website called grace uncensored, but I'm really very self-censorious? I don't want to talk about the badness of my weekend.
Let me just say this - I'm not finding much humor in things right now. And let me say this, also - I've spent much of my life trying to cheer myself up, and that's why I write the way I do. I'm just doing it to make myself feel better. Some kind of crap about finding the goodness in the bad or something. Making the best of awfulness. Finding a light at the end of the tunnel…no, maybe that's not it. But you get the idea.
Does this mean that if my life had been much happier, I wouldn't have much of a sense of humor? I wouldn't need to try to find the humor when everything appears to be unimaginably horrible and I can't find any point or purpose in anything? It must be very comforting to have religion.
Yesterday I was pretty much all-out wallowing in moroseness, and a friend called up and started in on this huge litany of all the horrible things happening in her life. They sounded pretty bad, too, even though right after I hung up the phone I couldn't for the life of me remember anything she said. But somewhere in there I did remember that no matter how bad things are, they could be worse.
Except I don't know exactly how that's possible at the moment. But I'm doing my best. When I give the free massages to the families of people getting open heart surgery, almost every day somebody has a pretty sad story. Just the fact that this person they love - their mom or dad, their son, their best friend, their beloved grandmother - might not make it through the surgery is a pretty horrible thing to contemplate. And many of them have other stories, lots of sadness and heartache, loss and trauma.
This should put things into perspective. And it does, for a few moments, anyway. I have a good friend (a Catholic, and at least thank god I'm not Catholic; are they all that wracked with guilt and solemnitude?) who believes that life is hard and bad, and you have to try to make the best of it, and bluster through and hang on, even though it's all basically shit.
Mostly, I haven't believed that. I've felt that life is what you make of it, and generally it's an OK thing. Because really, what's the alternative? Death. And my vision of death is pretty much just being dead, and it doesn't sound like much goes on there, so might as well enjoy life.
So therefore, I should stop feeling so lousy. Enjoy life, eat out more often, as I read on a packet of sugar in a restaurant somewhere. Excellent words of wisdom.
ok then,
gs
Aug. 25, 2004
rainy tuesday
[ General ] - grace - grace@ graceuncensored.com
@ 1:12 pm
i can write an article about autumn for this week's column if i want to, said my editor at the IT. AUTUMN. AUTUMN! c'mon, already. MNB keeps pointing out trees that appear to be changing color, some actually losing their leaves, and this fills me with fear of encoraching winter.
my first fall back here in spfld, i was quite impressed with the fall colors, because whenever i'd been back visiting from LA or wherever, i always missed the fall.
but the niceness of the fall colors quickly turned into the BITTER COLD NIGHTMARE that is winter.
i do feel somewhat proud of myself that i've managed to survive two winters here, although last winter didn't seem so cold, and i spent a couple of weeks in LA. lots of vacations in warm places, that's my plan for future wintertime survival here in the heartland. I'm going on a cruise in january, which i'm looking forward to quite a bit.
i can't think of anything nice to say about fall right now, but maybe i'll remember something. sometimes people ask me how i think up things to write about; many times i just sit down and just write. sometimes it's better that way.
I'm going with MNB to the chicago triathlon this weekend, just watching, thank god. i told him (again) that it's nice that i'll only be a supporter, not a triathlon participant, and he said "never say never." so i said NEVER. NEVER, I PROMISE, NEVER.
some things you just know. many times i'm not certain about what's going to happen next in my life (most times i have little clue about what's going to happen next), but i KNOW i'm not going to be in a triathlon. for one thing, i'm not going swimming in any big body of water. for another thing, i don't have a fancy racing bike, nor would i ever in a million years buy any of those cycling shoes that you click into the pedals. i shudder to think of the serious injury i'd do to myself by being CLAMPED INTO a bike.
i've been in a couple of races now, even though i said i never would. but it's been kind of fun to participate instead of watching. but you have to draw the line somewhere. the only reason i decided to run the first race, the Bix 7 in davenport iowa, was because their website proclaimed that there would be bands playing along the parade route, and there'd be a great after-race party. it's never been about the competition for me. my goal in the recent abe's amble was to not having screaming leg pain when it was through, and i did meet that goal. early on in the race, my goal was also to not get passed by millions of people, and i only met that goal because millions of people didn't participate. i remember one 70+ woman who looked like she wasn't in such good shape who was WAY behind me, in particular.
that is all for now.
ok then,
gs
Aug. 18, 2004
p.s
[ General ] - grace - grace@ graceuncensored.com
@ 11:59 am
i can't think of anything at all that i'm worried about now. gee, how refreshing. but then again, it's the middle of the day, instead of the middle of the night, and i'm about to go out to lunch. what's to worry about?
ok then again,
gs
FAIR
[ General ] - grace - grace@ graceuncensored.com
@ 11:58 am
OK, i didn't win ANY RIBBON AT ALL for my french bread. dad says that's because you have to enter stuff year after year, and then they'll give you a ribbon. i wasn't too happy about it, but i got over it, because i had a great time at the fair! and i keep having a great time; i'm giving free chair massages there for a couple of hours every day, and i enjoy the walk from the track where i park over to the building for the massages.
tomorrow my big fair article comes out, but for some reason all of a sudden it isn't the cover story. don't know why. but i sure did have a good time trying new things there...
ok then,
gs
Aug. 09, 2004
3:37 a.m.
[ General ] - grace - grace@ graceuncensored.com
@ 3:57 am
first of all, there's the issue of being awake at this hour. i decided i could lie there and toss-n-turn, or i could get up and do something productive, like this.
it feels like i have millions of things to do right now, but i know, logically, that this is merely a three thirty in the morning kind of worry. my stress right now? i have to get up and make a loaf of french bread. because i'm entering it in the fair. and this will be no problem at all; i've made hundreds of loaves of french bread, and this is certainly no reason to be up right now.
what is it about your brain that makes things so distorted in the middle of the night? well, my brain, anyway.
other things - i didn't have as great a turnout as i'd hoped for grace talk #2. i feel that this might be due to several factors - the ad we hurried to get into the paper had the wrong date on it. i feel that this is probably a big problem. i was on the radio a couple of times, and i wrote about the show as much as i was permitted, but it clearly wasn't enough. also, maybe people are too busy in the summer? i don't know. i'm going to have a much, much better plan for grace talk #3. which i can't even think about right now yet, because of other weighty and pressing things. like making the french bread.
ok, to be perfectly honest, an underlying french b. issue is that one of the very specific requirements of the entry is that the bread has to be in a plastic bag. there's a slew of instructions and regulations for the f.b. entry; the thing is clearly very official and i must find a bag. no problem, i'm sure you're saying, this is not something to be fretting about at almost four a.m. but the thing is that the f.b. that i make turns out pretty big, so i need a BIG plastic bag, and where am i going to get one of those? maybe it's a commonplace thing at the grocery store, but i've spent quite a bit of time in grocery stores, and i don't recall seeing the gigantic plastic bags.
but then again, maybe i'm being irrational, since really, only about 30% of my brain is actually awake at this time. i mean, everything is super-sized now, is it not? so surely they're making great big bags to put all the food in.
i can just envision myself, however, wasting all kinds of time tomorrow afternoon, driving from store to store in a fruitless search of big bags. now do you see why i'm awake? needless worrying, i can't help myself.
my column wasn't in the paper last week. early in the week, the editor wrote to me, saying that the paper was too full, that he was holding it for a week. it was pretty disappointing initially, and you can imagine the middle of the night pondering i did about that. the weirdest thing was on thursday when the paper cam out, and there was the back page, and me nowhere in sight. i mean, i've only been doing it since last november, but it seems like a very regular thing to me now, a part of my life, and i somehow felt i was letting people down, because it wasn't there.
this was coupled with the fact of getting my first negative letter about my column. i won't go into it right now, but the guy thinks i'm lousy, basically, boring and tedious. this happened right before being told that the column was being held. once again, imagine the stuff that could fill my head in the wee hours of the morning because of all of that.
and this, of course, was right after the disappointing turnout at my show.
despair, i should have been filled with quite a bit of despair, i'm realizing now. i did have some despair, but usually i can have despairing thoughts about anything at all, like big plastic bags, but luckily the despair always dissipates quite quickly.
anyway, my column is back this week, although it's not the funniest one i've ever written. i wanted to write about something a little bit serious again, and of course it's hard to mix the humor with the seriousness. and next week? well, i'm going to have a COVER STORY. that's right, a cover story, about the Illinois State Fair. i adore the fair, and i'm excited about writing all about it. not ALL about it, i realize, even though i'm getting TWICE the words to write, of course i'll run out of space before i'm done writing. but that's ok, at least i get to do this.
but there will be no column that week. which makes sense. and hopefully this isn't going to turn into a regular thing, random absence of columns? because if so, well...hmm. much more contemplating to do in my future, i'm seeing.
maybe i'll get to sleep now. i'm sure the bag thing will work out. if you make it to the fair, please look at the french bread entries in the arts & crafts building.
much to do, much to do...
ok then,
gs
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